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Post by Tainted Sunshine on Sept 27, 2007 16:20:57 GMT -5
I'm having a bit of writers block when it comes to the first chapter, so I thought I'd write something in media res for the prologue. :3 I'm not sure if I like it...Scout gingerly picked up the vial with her handkerchief, hoping to not disturb the evidence she knew was on it. She eyed the murky substance suspiciously, it couldn't hurt if she just smelled it, could it? Besides, what if it wasn't what it was supposed to be? She should check. Quickly, she opened the vial and inhaled deeply. Her vision swam for a moment, and then a euphoria like nothing else she had ever felt overcame her. Scout couldn't help but giggle intoxicatedly. God that stuff is strong... Scout thought as she sniffed once more before closing the vial. Grinning stupidly, she turned around. The vial fell to the floor and shattered with a crash. "D-didn't I k-kill you?" Scout whispered, before a euphoric darkness over took her and she fell to the ground in a faint. A relaxed smile upon her face. The gentleman at the door chuckled coldly, "I do believe you did."
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Post by Lady Hammer on Sept 27, 2007 16:33:55 GMT -5
Very suspicous and suspenseful! It's very short... but it's not bad! There are just a few things I would rewrite:
'Scout whispered, before a euphoric darkness over took her and she fell to the ground in a faint. A relaxed smile upon her face.'
It's a little choppy and I don't think the period should be where it is, because "A relaxed smile upon her face" needs a verb, and "faint" at the end of the first sentence is used as a noun! Maybe rewrite it like this?:
"D-didn't I k-kill you?" Those were the last words Scout could utter before a euphoric darkness overtook her, sending her to the ground with a relaxed grin on her face."
Also, you already used a form of "euphoric" in the passage (euphoria), so it sounds a little overused, even though it was only used twice. Maybe switch one of them out for a different word?
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Post by burntsmoke on Oct 7, 2007 14:57:27 GMT -5
Short but sweet I like it
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