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Post by burntsmoke on Sept 10, 2007 10:43:30 GMT -5
I think you should write a little more of Saralee objecting to the idea of the camp that their daughters are planning. Then it would be more realistic, something my mum would do XD Lol but other than that I loved it
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Post by Lady Hammer on Sept 16, 2007 12:36:28 GMT -5
I agree with burntsmoke. Though you have a good storyline, there are a few things that could be added. 1. Filler! You have plenty of dialogue, but that isn't all that makes up a story. Try inner dialogue, or a few paragraphs of the history of the land. All the reader gets to know about it is from the conversations that we listen in on. 2. POV. Your story is obviously third person POV, but is it third person omnicient, or third person limited? With omnicient, you can hear the inner dialogue of any character, and this can be useful for giving the reader information on the settings, etc. If it's third person limited, we will only hear the inner dialogue of your main character (which I'm guessing is Cloverbud). For an example on how to use Filler, read the article I wrote on it in the Muse Camp, and to see how you can use inner dialogue, you can read a little bit of my new story, A Corps Perdu. 3. Remember, a story is usually either character driven, or plot driven. Not dialogue driven! Overall, it wasn't bad. You have a good plot, but there's far too much dialogue and not enough description of what's actually going on. But one little thing that caught my eye was the word "Meadowlark". Around where I live, there's a street / neighborhood or something like that called "Meadowlark", and I've always liked the name. So it's just kinda neat to see it again. ^^
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Post by burntsmoke on Sept 18, 2007 14:44:27 GMT -5
Agreeness.
Yeah Meadowlark is a pretty name, it's got something natural to it. Suits to story.
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