Post by Lady Hammer on Sept 17, 2007 13:23:21 GMT -5
Killing Adjectives, by Lady Hammer
“You know what, Amelia, I don’t know what to do with you!” Scott shouted indignantly, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his slim forearms flexed. His icy blue eyes stared intensely to the tiny brunette tearing up in front of him, and to calm down, he ran a tense hand through his dark brown hair, letting loose a sniffle.
“Fine! Don’t think you’ll ever have to see me again!” Amelia cried, hot, salty tears streaming down her thin, worn face. “I can’t take this anymore!” She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea. “I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”
Yuck. Did you have a hard time reading that? I myself tripped over about, hmm, let’s see… fifteen modifiers? Oh, let me explain what those are! Modifiers are things that describe something. Adjectives and adverbs, mostly.
“But Lady, my stuff sounds exactly like that!”
I know, thus the presence of this article! No matter how suave your vocabulary may be, no matter how pretty all of those adjectives lined up look, you really don’t need even half of the ones that are there.
“But Lady, how am I supposed to tell my readers what my characters look like?”
Show, don’t tell! But don’t do this:
Scott shouted indignantly, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his slim forearms flexed. His icy blue eyes stared intensely to the tiny brunette tearing up in front of him, and to calm down, he ran a tense hand through his dark brown hair, letting loose a sniffle.
Don’t pull the “casually slip the hair color in as she tosses her hair about in frustration!” bit. There are many other ways to describe a character than simply hair color, eye color, skin complexion, and body build. There are also many other ways to describe a character simply than modifiers! In fact, I slipped one of those ways into that horrible intro to show you how running down the hallway felt!
She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea.
Allusional similes and metaphors are great, or any simile or metaphor, really. It’s a great way to begin using literary devices in place of those silly adjectives!
“But Lady, what’s an allusion?”
An allusion is an idea relating to something in literature that we commonly see and understand, relate to, and build our own ideas around. For example, do you remember who Cassandra was? That oracle that no one believed? That’s an example of an allusion. Do you remember Odysseus? The man who went on the 20 year journey? Or the term “Janus-faced” referring to the god who could see into the past and into the future? One of the allusions I was given to study in my English 12 class last year was “between Scylla and Charybdis”. It’s a lesser known allusion that features the Strait of Messina that lies between two dangerous monsters – Charybdis, who used to be a sea-nymph, but was turned into a huge monster belching whirlpools when she tried to flood land to expand her father’s kingdom, and Scylla, a multi-headed monster. The strait is so narrow and the monsters are so close to each other, that when sailors would try to sail down it, they would often end up getting too close to one of the monsters and getting killed. So, this allusion has come to symbolize “being stuck between two equally dangerous situations and not being able to move forward safely”. For the Cassandra allusion, one could relate it to a girl trying to warn people who don’t listen. “Oh, that poor girl… she’s such a ‘Cassandra’, isn’t she?” And, etcetera.
Having an allusional simile or metaphor is great.
She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment…
There, you can see I gave it my try! Hehe! Because Judgment is a common biblical theme that people understand, feeling patronized and scrutinized. Now, what else can we use in place of adjectives and adverbs? First comes first – when you’re going to describe something, the first thing you want to do is have what’s called a dominant impression. If you go to describe a rainstorm, do you want to show it as being pretty, or threatening?
Let’s use Amelia’s boyfriend as an example. Scott, at least in Amelia’s eyes, is very threatening and scary, despite how much she loves him. Since she is the main character in all of my articles, we see things from her point of view, therefore the dominant impression of Scott is that he is threatening and scary! But rather than describe him as “threatening, scary, domineering, temperamental, etc.”, let’s try something else.
Scott was your modern-day Poseidon, more turbulent and violent than the seas themselves. Amelia cowered as he roared and crashed like the waves of a tsunami, leaving her in shambles when he had finished his bout of anger.
What I did there was, in addition to using an allusion, I picked diction that would fit the tone and imagery of a turbulent ocean. Turbulent, violent, roared, crashed, and leaving her in shambles, much as a tsunami leaves anything it meets in shambles. Overall, you want your reader to feel the same way about this person as your main character does: depressed and scared. You don’t always have to use adjectives to convey that, either!
Remember that we have five senses, not one or two! And keep in mind that you can use the inner dialogue of your narrator or main character! This is important! If you don’t do this, you’re going to be leaving out the heart of your description! Because, in addition to those five senses that we humans possess, we also have emotions and attachments, and personal experiences that can drastically effect the way we see something. Someone who has an affliction with dangerous men might really like Scott, much more than someone who has an affliction with sensitive guys who would never raise their voice at a woman.
Also keep in mind the genre of story you’re writing!
“But Lady, why would that matter?”
Because! The genre you’re writing has everything to do with your description and tone! Let’s take a simple, two or three sentence scenario and put it in a few different genres, and we can see how it differs!
Amelia decided to take a walk around town. There was a slight overcast, but the sun shone down nonetheless. She took her steps slowly down the block.
Normal and boring. Let’s put it in a few different genres, however! Because some genres have an automatic tone to them, they influence the diction your entire story has to have. Horror stories are usually dismal, while thriller stories usually leave you on edge no matter what the character is doing. Romance stories have everything seen through rose-tinted glasses! See how this is going?
Horror: Through all of her frustration, Amelia finally decided to take a walk around town, slamming the door to the apartment as she left. As she took her steps slowly and carefully down the block, she saw that the streets were empty, and shadows of people who weren’t there phased in and out with the sun peering in and out of the overcast. Everything was so quiet, and her footfalls echoed down the soulless streets.
Suspense: She had had enough! Amelia ran out of the apartment, forgetting her purse, forgetting to close the door, forgetting to say goodbye to Scott… or, perhaps she didn’t so much forget that last one. As she ran out into town, the cool breeze in the overcast sky left goosebumps on her skin, and immediately, she sensed something was off. Why was the town so deserted? She took her steps slowly, listening closely for any other footfalls that might be behind her…
Romance: Things would get better, Amelia thought. She sighed deeply and told Scott that she needed to take a walk for awhile, and bolted like lightning out of the apartment. Still, as angry as she was, she couldn’t get rid of the butterflies in her stomach. As the sun played hide-and-seek with her and the clouds, she just wished that Scott could be taking this stroll with her, and that they could end their quarrel peacefully. Someday?
See how genres influence a description? When you first begin to write a story, you have to pick a tone and STAY WITH IT! If your tone is not consistent through the whole story, your whole story sounds messy and out of place. It’s the same idea as having a character out-of-character. You don’t want a tone to be out of tune, do you? Also, don’t be afraid to use fragments, or start your sentences with “but”, “because”, “and”, etc.
“But Lady, that’s illegal!”
P’sha. It is not. Using fragments is a great way to emphasize suspense, or illustrate inner dialogue, and it can help whatever you’re writing flow much better. Exchange huge long monotonous sentences with short, punchy ones every now and then. You’ll find that it’s very refreshing to read over! And it helps your tone, too!
I will bring up one last issue (again) before I wrap up this article:
USE INNER DIALOGUE! USE EMOTIONS OF YOUR MAIN CHARACTER! MAKE US FEEL DESCRIPTION AS WELL AS SEE IT!
Remember that when writing in first person with a narrator that isn’t the main character, we feel what the narrator feels. We grow attached to the main character just as the narrator did. When writing first person from the point of view of the main character, it is their thoughts we read, as if they were our own. When writing second person, we become the main character, so it’s important to keep in mind that we have to have the same opinions, or else we become detached very quickly. But second person is an article in itself! When writing third person limited, we can see all of the characters from our own point of view, but we are following only the main character, and only hear the main character’s thoughts. When writing third person omniscient, we become God. We can see what every character is doing and hear every character’s thoughts, and while this can be very useful, this has potential to be very confusing, too! But like I said, that’s a whole different article!
Now, let’s try to rewrite some of that junk in the beginning, shall we? First comes first – the emission of all those pesky modifiers! Where’s my hammer?
“You know what, Amelia, I don’t know what to do with you!” Scott shouted, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his forearms flexed. His eyes stared to the brunette tearing up in front of him, and to calm down, he ran a hand through his hair, letting loose a sniffle.
“Fine! Don’t think you’ll ever have to see me again!” Amelia cried, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t take this anymore!” She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea. “I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”
Here’s some stuff I pulled from an old worksheet on writing descriptively that I was give in school! Let’s see if we can keep some of it in mind as we write…
“Sensory details are words and phrases that appeal to the five senses – sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste. In your writing, you should try to include details from all the details – not just sight details.
“Factual details are things like names, dates, numbers, and quotations, as well as true statements. For example, in a description of a pubic park, a writer might say: “About a dozen seniors gather every morning to exercise near the fountain.” That statement combines a number and a fact the writer has learned. Factual details are very important to objective descriptions, but they can also serve a purpose in subjective description.
“Figurative details include similes, metaphors, or examples of personification. They lose their effectiveness if they are overused. Think of them as a spice to be sprinkled lightly over your description.”
Let’s get to work!
“You know what, Amelia, I don’t know what to do with you!” Scott shouted, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his forearms flexed. Amelia’s eyes widened in terror; it was Scott’s warning sign that he was about to do something horrid. His eyes stared to the brunette tearing up in front of him, and in an attempt to calm down, he ran a hand through his hair. To Amelia’s surprise, he sniffled.
She stared at him, her own tears building up as she recalled all of the other terrible memories of their fights. How had she come to love such a man? To anyone else, he wouldn’t be threatening, as on the outside, he looked like anyone else, maybe even a little thinner than what was healthy. But she knew that behind those icy blue eyes of his, there was nothing but hate and anger. He was her Poseidon, roaring like violent waves even after tempest season, leaving her in shambles every time. She couldn’t let her love for this man give him the last word anymore.
“Fine! Don’t think you’ll ever have to see me again!” Amelia cried, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t take this anymore!” She bolted down the hallway of the apartment with an odd air of finality that she had never felt before, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea. His sea. She tried to imagine what he felt like, watching the small woman he had never imagined having a temper of her own storm out, and she tried to imagine the sudden flood of guilt inside of him, when suddenly… she didn’t care. “I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”
Hmm. I like that much better, what do you think? That extra paragraph full of Amelia’s emotions really sets it off, doesn’t it? Well, even if it isn’t your style, here’s a link to the PDF file of the worksheet I had a few years ago. Hopefully it will help you incorporate effective description in your stories without going overboard on modifiers that you don’t need.
www.hrw.com/language/eolang/peonline/course_3/ch01/lg1301029_045.pdf
Please make use of it – I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me! And, I hope this article has helped you in some way, too!
“You know what, Amelia, I don’t know what to do with you!” Scott shouted indignantly, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his slim forearms flexed. His icy blue eyes stared intensely to the tiny brunette tearing up in front of him, and to calm down, he ran a tense hand through his dark brown hair, letting loose a sniffle.
“Fine! Don’t think you’ll ever have to see me again!” Amelia cried, hot, salty tears streaming down her thin, worn face. “I can’t take this anymore!” She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea. “I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”
Yuck. Did you have a hard time reading that? I myself tripped over about, hmm, let’s see… fifteen modifiers? Oh, let me explain what those are! Modifiers are things that describe something. Adjectives and adverbs, mostly.
“But Lady, my stuff sounds exactly like that!”
I know, thus the presence of this article! No matter how suave your vocabulary may be, no matter how pretty all of those adjectives lined up look, you really don’t need even half of the ones that are there.
“But Lady, how am I supposed to tell my readers what my characters look like?”
Show, don’t tell! But don’t do this:
Scott shouted indignantly, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his slim forearms flexed. His icy blue eyes stared intensely to the tiny brunette tearing up in front of him, and to calm down, he ran a tense hand through his dark brown hair, letting loose a sniffle.
Don’t pull the “casually slip the hair color in as she tosses her hair about in frustration!” bit. There are many other ways to describe a character than simply hair color, eye color, skin complexion, and body build. There are also many other ways to describe a character simply than modifiers! In fact, I slipped one of those ways into that horrible intro to show you how running down the hallway felt!
She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea.
Allusional similes and metaphors are great, or any simile or metaphor, really. It’s a great way to begin using literary devices in place of those silly adjectives!
“But Lady, what’s an allusion?”
An allusion is an idea relating to something in literature that we commonly see and understand, relate to, and build our own ideas around. For example, do you remember who Cassandra was? That oracle that no one believed? That’s an example of an allusion. Do you remember Odysseus? The man who went on the 20 year journey? Or the term “Janus-faced” referring to the god who could see into the past and into the future? One of the allusions I was given to study in my English 12 class last year was “between Scylla and Charybdis”. It’s a lesser known allusion that features the Strait of Messina that lies between two dangerous monsters – Charybdis, who used to be a sea-nymph, but was turned into a huge monster belching whirlpools when she tried to flood land to expand her father’s kingdom, and Scylla, a multi-headed monster. The strait is so narrow and the monsters are so close to each other, that when sailors would try to sail down it, they would often end up getting too close to one of the monsters and getting killed. So, this allusion has come to symbolize “being stuck between two equally dangerous situations and not being able to move forward safely”. For the Cassandra allusion, one could relate it to a girl trying to warn people who don’t listen. “Oh, that poor girl… she’s such a ‘Cassandra’, isn’t she?” And, etcetera.
Having an allusional simile or metaphor is great.
She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment…
There, you can see I gave it my try! Hehe! Because Judgment is a common biblical theme that people understand, feeling patronized and scrutinized. Now, what else can we use in place of adjectives and adverbs? First comes first – when you’re going to describe something, the first thing you want to do is have what’s called a dominant impression. If you go to describe a rainstorm, do you want to show it as being pretty, or threatening?
Let’s use Amelia’s boyfriend as an example. Scott, at least in Amelia’s eyes, is very threatening and scary, despite how much she loves him. Since she is the main character in all of my articles, we see things from her point of view, therefore the dominant impression of Scott is that he is threatening and scary! But rather than describe him as “threatening, scary, domineering, temperamental, etc.”, let’s try something else.
Scott was your modern-day Poseidon, more turbulent and violent than the seas themselves. Amelia cowered as he roared and crashed like the waves of a tsunami, leaving her in shambles when he had finished his bout of anger.
What I did there was, in addition to using an allusion, I picked diction that would fit the tone and imagery of a turbulent ocean. Turbulent, violent, roared, crashed, and leaving her in shambles, much as a tsunami leaves anything it meets in shambles. Overall, you want your reader to feel the same way about this person as your main character does: depressed and scared. You don’t always have to use adjectives to convey that, either!
Remember that we have five senses, not one or two! And keep in mind that you can use the inner dialogue of your narrator or main character! This is important! If you don’t do this, you’re going to be leaving out the heart of your description! Because, in addition to those five senses that we humans possess, we also have emotions and attachments, and personal experiences that can drastically effect the way we see something. Someone who has an affliction with dangerous men might really like Scott, much more than someone who has an affliction with sensitive guys who would never raise their voice at a woman.
Also keep in mind the genre of story you’re writing!
“But Lady, why would that matter?”
Because! The genre you’re writing has everything to do with your description and tone! Let’s take a simple, two or three sentence scenario and put it in a few different genres, and we can see how it differs!
Amelia decided to take a walk around town. There was a slight overcast, but the sun shone down nonetheless. She took her steps slowly down the block.
Normal and boring. Let’s put it in a few different genres, however! Because some genres have an automatic tone to them, they influence the diction your entire story has to have. Horror stories are usually dismal, while thriller stories usually leave you on edge no matter what the character is doing. Romance stories have everything seen through rose-tinted glasses! See how this is going?
Horror: Through all of her frustration, Amelia finally decided to take a walk around town, slamming the door to the apartment as she left. As she took her steps slowly and carefully down the block, she saw that the streets were empty, and shadows of people who weren’t there phased in and out with the sun peering in and out of the overcast. Everything was so quiet, and her footfalls echoed down the soulless streets.
Suspense: She had had enough! Amelia ran out of the apartment, forgetting her purse, forgetting to close the door, forgetting to say goodbye to Scott… or, perhaps she didn’t so much forget that last one. As she ran out into town, the cool breeze in the overcast sky left goosebumps on her skin, and immediately, she sensed something was off. Why was the town so deserted? She took her steps slowly, listening closely for any other footfalls that might be behind her…
Romance: Things would get better, Amelia thought. She sighed deeply and told Scott that she needed to take a walk for awhile, and bolted like lightning out of the apartment. Still, as angry as she was, she couldn’t get rid of the butterflies in her stomach. As the sun played hide-and-seek with her and the clouds, she just wished that Scott could be taking this stroll with her, and that they could end their quarrel peacefully. Someday?
See how genres influence a description? When you first begin to write a story, you have to pick a tone and STAY WITH IT! If your tone is not consistent through the whole story, your whole story sounds messy and out of place. It’s the same idea as having a character out-of-character. You don’t want a tone to be out of tune, do you? Also, don’t be afraid to use fragments, or start your sentences with “but”, “because”, “and”, etc.
“But Lady, that’s illegal!”
P’sha. It is not. Using fragments is a great way to emphasize suspense, or illustrate inner dialogue, and it can help whatever you’re writing flow much better. Exchange huge long monotonous sentences with short, punchy ones every now and then. You’ll find that it’s very refreshing to read over! And it helps your tone, too!
I will bring up one last issue (again) before I wrap up this article:
USE INNER DIALOGUE! USE EMOTIONS OF YOUR MAIN CHARACTER! MAKE US FEEL DESCRIPTION AS WELL AS SEE IT!
Remember that when writing in first person with a narrator that isn’t the main character, we feel what the narrator feels. We grow attached to the main character just as the narrator did. When writing first person from the point of view of the main character, it is their thoughts we read, as if they were our own. When writing second person, we become the main character, so it’s important to keep in mind that we have to have the same opinions, or else we become detached very quickly. But second person is an article in itself! When writing third person limited, we can see all of the characters from our own point of view, but we are following only the main character, and only hear the main character’s thoughts. When writing third person omniscient, we become God. We can see what every character is doing and hear every character’s thoughts, and while this can be very useful, this has potential to be very confusing, too! But like I said, that’s a whole different article!
Now, let’s try to rewrite some of that junk in the beginning, shall we? First comes first – the emission of all those pesky modifiers! Where’s my hammer?
“You know what, Amelia, I don’t know what to do with you!” Scott shouted, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his forearms flexed. His eyes stared to the brunette tearing up in front of him, and to calm down, he ran a hand through his hair, letting loose a sniffle.
“Fine! Don’t think you’ll ever have to see me again!” Amelia cried, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t take this anymore!” She dashed down the hallway of the apartment, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea. “I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”
Here’s some stuff I pulled from an old worksheet on writing descriptively that I was give in school! Let’s see if we can keep some of it in mind as we write…
“Sensory details are words and phrases that appeal to the five senses – sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste. In your writing, you should try to include details from all the details – not just sight details.
“Factual details are things like names, dates, numbers, and quotations, as well as true statements. For example, in a description of a pubic park, a writer might say: “About a dozen seniors gather every morning to exercise near the fountain.” That statement combines a number and a fact the writer has learned. Factual details are very important to objective descriptions, but they can also serve a purpose in subjective description.
“Figurative details include similes, metaphors, or examples of personification. They lose their effectiveness if they are overused. Think of them as a spice to be sprinkled lightly over your description.”
Let’s get to work!
“You know what, Amelia, I don’t know what to do with you!” Scott shouted, clenching his fists so that the muscles in his forearms flexed. Amelia’s eyes widened in terror; it was Scott’s warning sign that he was about to do something horrid. His eyes stared to the brunette tearing up in front of him, and in an attempt to calm down, he ran a hand through his hair. To Amelia’s surprise, he sniffled.
She stared at him, her own tears building up as she recalled all of the other terrible memories of their fights. How had she come to love such a man? To anyone else, he wouldn’t be threatening, as on the outside, he looked like anyone else, maybe even a little thinner than what was healthy. But she knew that behind those icy blue eyes of his, there was nothing but hate and anger. He was her Poseidon, roaring like violent waves even after tempest season, leaving her in shambles every time. She couldn’t let her love for this man give him the last word anymore.
“Fine! Don’t think you’ll ever have to see me again!” Amelia cried, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t take this anymore!” She bolted down the hallway of the apartment with an odd air of finality that she had never felt before, the white walls closing in on her like Judgment, and the blue carpet almost swallowing her up like the sea. His sea. She tried to imagine what he felt like, watching the small woman he had never imagined having a temper of her own storm out, and she tried to imagine the sudden flood of guilt inside of him, when suddenly… she didn’t care. “I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”
Hmm. I like that much better, what do you think? That extra paragraph full of Amelia’s emotions really sets it off, doesn’t it? Well, even if it isn’t your style, here’s a link to the PDF file of the worksheet I had a few years ago. Hopefully it will help you incorporate effective description in your stories without going overboard on modifiers that you don’t need.
www.hrw.com/language/eolang/peonline/course_3/ch01/lg1301029_045.pdf
Please make use of it – I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me! And, I hope this article has helped you in some way, too!
Thanks, helps a lot, cus I'm always OVERLOADING my paragraphs with adjectives.