Post by thischaos on May 12, 2007 16:14:04 GMT -5
You asked for it, so here it is <3
I rose from the lake, comma
water streaming from my body "like fire from a heathen goddess."
Get ridda the semicolon. (:
I don't know what it is, but something about this line bothers me a little bit. I think it might be streaming from.
Maybe... As I rose from the lake, water streamed...
Eh. Maybe it's the "like fire from a heathen goddess" part.
I also don't particularly favor the use of the word "streamed".
I rose from the lake, water streaming from my body like fire from a heathen goddess.
As I rose from the lake, water coursed down my body in little rivulets.
It seeped (trickled?)
—from my long, black hair—
Maybe don't mention her hair like this here. Perhaps you could have a character mention it later, or... I dunno... it just sounds a little odd.
—and drippeddown (where else? up?) from the my purple gown I wore. The black (mentioned later) eyeliner surroundeding my eyes had smeared, and ran [messily] down my cheeks, forming black trails in its wake.
Walkingtowards [into] the surrounding forest, I leaned against a tree and sank into the ground. It was there that I finally drifted into a dreamless sleep.
* * *
I awoke slowly, my eyelids fluttering open to reveal the gloomy forest I had slept in. My cheek
pulled away from
(could use a little work, I think)
the tree trunk, bringing bark and dirt with it. I grimaced and struggled [clumsily] to my feet.
Like my cheek, my gown brought loving remnants of the ground with it: leaves, mud and gravel.
Iwalked back over [returned] to the lake, shrugging out of the purple (has already been mentioned) dress, figuring a skinny dip would do me good.
I returned to the lake and, figuring a skinny dip would do me good, shrugged out of the dress.
I sunk (sank?) slowly into theblack darkened water, holding my breath for as long as possible I could, before I let my head allowed my head to bob to the surface.
[It was] then that I realized how exceedinglydumb ignorant I had been. For there, across the lake, was a man, staring at my floating head. I blushed crimson across my face (where else?), quickly submerging myself. It only took a second for me to realize that even if I could get out without him seeing me, I had nothing to change into. Coming I came back up for breath [and] began to mutter profanities when I realized he had [somehow arrived] on my side of the lake and was laughing at me.
"It seems you need some help," he called through his laughter. To make matters worse, he was utterly gorgeous: brown, almost black hair, matching his adorable eyes. It was then, staring into his face, that I believe I fainted.
I rose from the lake, comma
water streaming from my body "like fire from a heathen goddess."
Get ridda the semicolon. (:
I don't know what it is, but something about this line bothers me a little bit. I think it might be streaming from.
Maybe... As I rose from the lake, water streamed...
Eh. Maybe it's the "like fire from a heathen goddess" part.
I also don't particularly favor the use of the word "streamed".
I rose from the lake, water streaming from my body like fire from a heathen goddess.
As I rose from the lake, water coursed down my body in little rivulets.
It seeped (trickled?)
—from my long, black hair—
Maybe don't mention her hair like this here. Perhaps you could have a character mention it later, or... I dunno... it just sounds a little odd.
—and dripped
Walking
* * *
I awoke slowly, my eyelids fluttering open to reveal the gloomy forest I had slept in. My cheek
pulled away from
(could use a little work, I think)
the tree trunk, bringing bark and dirt with it. I grimaced and struggled [clumsily] to my feet.
Like my cheek, my gown brought loving remnants of the ground with it: leaves, mud and gravel.
I
I returned to the lake and, figuring a skinny dip would do me good, shrugged out of the dress.
I sunk (sank?) slowly into the
[It was] then that I realized how exceedingly
"It seems you need some help," he called through his laughter. To make matters worse, he was utterly gorgeous: brown, almost black hair, matching his adorable eyes. It was then, staring into his face, that I believe I fainted.